the choice.

the boy is in the bathroom. you, know... in the bathroom with that lovely kind of "in the bathroom" sickness. the baby is crying at my feet. the daughter trips over the guitar and says her stomach hurts. i'm trying to talk to jason-- my partner, my bestie-- about the day. i'm supposed to get groceries. i can't do that. we're supposed to be at someone's home for dinner. can't do that? right? we briefly discuss over the noise, he shoots me an encouraging smile, and then- do you know what happens? he leaves. he <does what he is supposed to do and> walks out the door. he goes to work.

i'm left standing in the kitchen.

the clamor remains with me. right beside me.

and i find myself faced with a very important decision.

how is this whole situation going to play out today? what will this day be like (feel free to break into The Sound of Music-- it's appropriate)?

what kind of mamma is going to show up for these kiddos?



i stood and thought. stood for a minute more. thought some more. (still mayhem behind me, friends. mayhem.)

________

it feels so easy to take pictures of these cuties:







but in moments like this morning, all i tend to see is myself. what i need. what i want. what i prefer. what looks nicer-better-easier.

and these faces still surround my ankles, knees and side.



do i truly hold to the hope that i say is true?
hope, not just for the miraculous gift of salvation, but hope for days like this? reasons and purposes for the challenges facing me in that kitchen this morning?

today i could run my hands over my face, take a deep breath, look to the heavens and remember.
it's true. what He says is true.

i have hope that never fades or fails.

so we stayed home today. we opened the windows and felt the breeze. there was book reading and knitting. there were still moments of frustration and sin-- don't think they all went away.

but He helped me see the truth this morning.

this mamma gig is no joke. never have i seen the ugliness of my heart more plainly. it's nasty in there. i'm thankful He is patiently reminding me. helping me stay at His feet.

i'm sure days like today will come again-- sooner than i would like. i hope i'm able to make the same choice as today. to settle in to what HE has for me-- to not fight, kick, and yell for what I want for MY day.

one last thing: so thankful that even on days when i make the utterly wrong choice... He remains faithful. remains loving. remains to help. and gives me more days.

He's so good to us.

a little miss.

i got to do a little baking today with my little miss. just me and my girl.





and it got me thinking.



i remember when samuel was a few years younger and would help me bake. he was careful and cautious. he didn't really like sitting on the counter unless i stood right in front of him. he would slowly pour an ingredient into the bowl, watching it mix together.

and then came this one.



so very different. full of so much... else.

she bounds onto the counter, barely needing my help. pretty much tosses dry ingredients around (cocoa powder, flour, you get the picture). she cracked an egg today and was very successful. where, samuel would be afraid of breaking it, so would end up with tiny fissures in the egg and never really be able to get the good stuff out.



my girl tries it all. she doesn't sit still much as she has other ideas- more important things that need attention.



believe it or not, i was on the edge of getting frustrated with this little face during the process. i wanted cupcakes. i saw the goal being just that: a cupcake. with my coffee.

and while we all know a cupcake is a worthy goal, i was missing it. missing what should have been the obvious goal. sitting in a mess of flour and face full of batter right in front of me.

a chance to better know this adventurous, fabulously vibrant, curly haired wonder.



almost missed it.

looming horizons

thinking a lot about the future over here these days. the small choices (quilt beginnings)-

and the larger. like school for a little boy and a new house for our family. we have no idea what we will do or what's ahead. and late night couch conversations with my favorite man have been refreshing, but end without any decisions.

our options are a sign of our great blessings. i'm grateful for our choices. but i don't do well change. and these new things creeping on my horizon-view are big. a bit looming. and i'm scared to commit.

we're driving across the south to texas tomorrow. we'll have time to talk, think, and be guided. i have high hopes. this space will be quiet for the next week or so. hope you all have beautiful spring-filled weeks.