birthdays

i was just here:



like-- JUST. how many weeks ago? a few, right? but not that many, surely.





and then just like that, we've gone from this:



to this:



a birthday. a whole year. 52 whole weeks. you all know-- it's a blink. and yet, it's hard to remember life before those 52 weeks began.



the birthday was nice. a good celebration. but i found my own heart torn.

i got to lunch time and wondered. "hm. why on earth am i so crabby? where's the celebration, joanna? what's going on in there?"



and when i looked a bit deeper, i found some sadness. some loss. some mourning.



we've moved past paper-thin fingernails. past cuddles and nursing at 2 a.m. and beyond the days where i could set him on the bed and walk away. we're here now:



a fabulous place. i know. a truly fantastic place. but as i said goodbye to my very last baby year... i had trouble. just a little bit.



we'll be fine. we started animal sounds this week. he's walking while holding on to my hands with his little chubby fingers. taking those sideways steps that seem like they won't ever straighten into independent mobility. he says "bye-bye" in this sweet whisper-y voice. does a full palm-in-his-mouth kiss-blow. so many fantastic things.

the goodbye is never easy. it just isn't. this mysterious pull of good and sad all rolled up in a birthday. i should be used to it by now.

but i am confident.

we'll be just fine.

love and incense

i sometimes have this sense that there is something inherently unacceptable about me. that i'm just a little bit too crazy to be fully and completely loved by God regardless of what i've done or will do. there is something in me- a mysterious something- that makes me just miss the bar. i have too much darkness. too much brooding. too much melancholy. or something.

but God is slowly chipping away at this lie that seems to be so firmly fixed to my heart. He is kindly, slowly, patiently, working the truth of His love and affection (yes, affection!) into my vision. He is planting it in my heart and letting it take root. 

but these lessons don't happen quickly. and on one hand, i'm so grateful. so glad i have a Father who doesn't expect me to have my life turned around as soon as He reveals a corner of darkness in my heart. He is so patient. so nice to me- to continue to repeat the same message in so many ways. through sermons, scripture, songs, conversations. i slowly end up hearing the same messages. kindness. 

on the other hand, i want change here. now. today. this instant. as soon as my eyes are a tiny bit opened to something i need so badly, i want it right now. i don't want to wait. 

it is patient and kind work He is doing, though. requiring things of me like discipline, humility and what feels like sacrifice- but ends in joy. 

two (of several) tools that have been helping me focus my heart on the utter reality of His love and care for me are these:

i'm loving this book by Elise Fizpatrick. daily (brief) readings that speak to His love for me. and all that means. they focus my eyes on the cross, not on myself. on His care for me, not my lack of care for Him. i recommend these readings to anyone wanting to be reminded (or find out for the first time) what Jesus has done, what it means, and who we are now. 

the other tool i've been using is incense. a sweet friend gave me some incense a couple of years ago as a Christmas gift. i started lighting it in the afternoons, during a particularly dark season of anxiety. i tried to use the smell of the incense to remind me of peace and hope in Christ. 

i've been lighting incense these recent days and allowing the scent and visual smoke to bring to mind the serious reality of His loving presence. right now. in my living room. He is here. loving me. 

a few days ago, i was walking from the living room into the kitchen. i had incense burning on the dining room table. and as i walked through the smoke, i found a smile on my face. my saving Jesus was there. right there. with love and acceptance. and i hadn't needed to work really hard to be sure of that.  

He is kind. so good. so patient. He is love. for me. for you. if you are in Him, He sees you as He sees His Son. unreal, friends. seriously mind-blowing.

the perfect beach

i just love my family.

saturday found us in our car driving. out of town. away from the small troubles. an opportunity to think and talk about the bigger things going in our lives. there's nothing like getting out of town.

and having your destination be the beach certainly doesn't hurt.

the kids were in heaven. and then, so was i. watching your kids hop around with joy and delight does so much good for the soul.

and it was the perfect day- in my book. cloudy. windy. ah beautiful. kate chased a paper-thin shell across the sand. samuel laid in the water. there were no sunbathers disturbed by the sand thrown into the air and i didn't go home with a sunburn. perfect.

ah. just what we needed.

i have been one in the past who approaches a day like that with anticipation and trepidation. i'm prone to frustration and can start to lose it after hour 3 in the car with children whining. asking for things that are 100 miles away.

but yesterday was a little different. i think part of it was that my kids are a little bit older, but i could also see something else. something that amazed me. God has grown me friends. i couldn't believe it. i didn't bite anyone's head off yesterday. i didn't yell. i didn't do that not-so-quiet angry growl under my breath that escapes too often. and as i drove back home and the sun was setting, i looked at jason like my kids did at the ocean earlier that day. can you believe it?! did you see that?!

even if it was only one day- full of flaws on my part, but with one success; it's worth celebrating. why do i doubt His work? i see the ugly in my heart over the years and think there's no way i'll ever change. but He's working. slowly changing. i know i will hear myself yelling again sometime soon. this struggle is not dead. but i had one day of better. and i'm rejoicing.

Spirit growth

my heart has been filled with baby Ruby this week. and all the things the Lord has been teaching me through this teeny little life. I posted earlier about the rough start she has had. God has been caring for her so well and answering so many prayers. She gets better every day it seems.

and the Spirit has just pulled my heart right up close to this little family and I have found that I can't stop praying for them. and what a blessing that has been. i've cried at my computer so many times this week thinking of the pain, fear and frustration they have been experiencing. and i've shouted praise to the Father when she's made leaps of improvement. only God can do that. both the healing, and the knitting of hearts. His Spirit so powerfully and mysteriously moves in us. and the result is just amazing.

so many around me have been taught by this experience. i know i'm not the only one. but He has not only shown me His might and His tender care, but also how wonderful His body is. How powerful His Spirit is. He propels us to act or speak right when something is needed. He provides. I have been taught about the beauty of prayer-- the joy in bearing burdens with my family. I have seen Him make His name great this week. I've praised Him more this week than in my uneventful, small and relatively easy past weeks.

and again i'm grateful. grateful that He teaches me. He grows me. He who promised IS faithful.

i know some of you who read this have walked this road as well this week. i'd love to hear what He has taught you through it. Thank you to all of you for praying for this sweet little life.