Tuesday, August 19, 2014


i was just here:

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like-- JUST. how many weeks ago? a few, right? but not that many, surely.

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and then just like that, we've gone from this:

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to this:

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a birthday. a whole year. 52 whole weeks. you all know-- it's a blink. and yet, it's hard to remember life before those 52 weeks began.

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the birthday was nice. a good celebration. but i found my own heart torn.

i got to lunch time and wondered. "hm. why on earth am i so crabby? where's the celebration, joanna? what's going on in there?"

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and when i looked a bit deeper, i found some sadness. some loss. some mourning.

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we've moved past paper-thin fingernails. past cuddles and nursing at 2 a.m. and beyond the days where i could set him on the bed and walk away. we're here now:

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a fabulous place. i know. a truly fantastic place. but as i said goodbye to my very last baby year... i had trouble. just a little bit.

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we'll be fine. we started animal sounds this week. he's walking while holding on to my hands with his little chubby fingers. taking those sideways steps that seem like they won't ever straighten into independent mobility. he says "bye-bye" in this sweet whisper-y voice. does a full palm-in-his-mouth kiss-blow. so many fantastic things.

the goodbye is never easy. it just isn't. this mysterious pull of good and sad all rolled up in a birthday. i should be used to it by now.

but i am confident.

we'll be just fine.

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