remembering

often, when i think of my kiddos and the time that has passed, i try to bring up some images in my mind of those tiny days. pictures like these seem to quickly come into my mental view:



(my samuel)



(my girl)





(the newest)

and while i love these pictures-- they all capture such sweetness, newness-- they fall short. i usually try to push images like these to the side-- try to dig deep and find some memories. real memories of moments. little moments with little people.

late nights in rocking chairs. outside explorations. walking and soothing.

while i'm not very good at seeing their faces in these memories just as they were, i can remember the feelings of those moments. the weight of the air and the colors around me. the thoughts of my heart.

and the memory is what i want. those little moments that were just mine. they hit my heart and settled in. i want them to be permanent. to remain.

i'm finding that i need to bring these memories to the surface regularly. otherwise, in the jumble of this crazy brain of mine, they will be lost. this discipline is worth it. i want to try- to add some concrete footing to these memories.

i know that all mamas have to watch their babies grow. have to say goodbye to days passed and embrace new stages. i know there is good to be found around each new bend.

i want to remember the old road, though. move forward with my lovely children-- in joy.

with just a few tiny-handed memories in my trunk.

a saturday

what a nice saturday we had. didn't go quite like i had thought it might (which usually spells trouble for this heart of mine). what a rest-filled day we had. perfect.



a lazy morning with pj's. and a sick little girl.



(lest you end up thinking our day overly idyllic, i will tell you that moments after she ate a few bites of that oatmeal... you know... we saw it again...)

with the now totally open schedule, i felt like making something.



so samuel and i set to making some challah. we've been reading a book series rich in Jewish culture (All of a Kind Family) and samuel was excited to make something "mama made".





it's one of those lovely breads that requires 3 rises and sends a beautiful yeasty smell through the house. bread making sets such a nice pace to the day. well, it can. and it did on saturday.

between bread maintenance, we rested a lot.



made messes.



and did nothing. then did more of nothing.



oh friends, why don't i have more days like this? we had a sabbath day. a day of rest. it was what we needed. sometimes, i think, God uses the sicknesses in our lives to give us the sabbath we've been neglecting.

this saturday offered us so many lovely moments. cuddles with a fevered girl. books read aloud and bread in the oven.

space to stop and see things. trees swaying with the wind. a finch at the feeder. sunshine on the table.



it was a special gift. a little present. and i suppose this is my thank you note.

catch up

well this girl had a birthday.





it was such a sweet day. full of princesses and crowns. lemonade and running outside barefoot. perfect.







and you all know how it is. these babies. and the growing up. each year adds so much. there's no stopping it. our only option is to savor and enjoy. because they start right about here:



you turn around maybe 3 times and you're here:



turn around a few more times (a switch in kids, for the sake of dramatic proof)



and they're jumping on gate slats and beating you in races. it's unbelievable.

i had a birthday myself yesterday and my sisters were here to celebrate. i can't remember the last time i had both of them sitting next to me for my birthday dinner. it was so very nice.



we went to Carl Sandburg's house for the day. the more i learn about that guy, the more i'm sure we would have been friends. his home has started to feel like home to me. we love it there.



another year of life for my miss and myself. hopeful for what it might bring. i think that as i get older, i make less plans. those expectations get me every time and leave so little room for enjoyment. and i hope that is what i can expect for the year-- more savoring. less hurrying. more stopping and seeing.



hopeful.

sorrow, prayer and community

today brought tragedy to a beautiful young family we know.

as i heard the news, my heart fell into my stomach. my phone dropped to the couch. 

i sat overwhelmed. overcome. 

and suddenly alone. 

i battled with myself wondering what was best. call someone? share with someone? i wasn't sure.

i called a friend. she didn't answer. 

i sat on the couch and stared. 

she called back. 

i shared the news with her and before i was even finished, i found i was praying.

crying out to the Maker of all things. the Creator of Good. One who hates evil. we cried out together. 

as i heard her voice echoing the same longing as the one in my heart:

come Jesus... come soon

as we mourned loss together, 

as we thanked our Father for receiving our anger, our grief, 

as we asked for wisdom, kindnesses to abound, for honesty, 

as i cried some more,

as i thanked Him for His promised return-- for letting us have that hope,

... i felt lifted.

i heard a good friend recently talk of prayer as a way to carry just a small piece of someone's sorrow. just a small piece. so one doesn't have to carry all of it alone. 

i hope we did that today. on the phone together. praying for a sister and brother. 

thankful for His hope. thankful for His family. thankful for what He does in the midst of us when we come together. 

life

things are plodding along over here. a lot of normal. regular. and all that that brings along with it.

samuel said to me this morning-- while still pj'd and sleepy-eyed, "the years go by fast. i wish they didn't."

oh, my boy. i agree.

i had a lovely kind mom and her teen over the other day. and i was reminded of those sneaky, quick years. reminded to cherish and enjoy. i'm not all that good at it most of the time. kind of a grass-is-greener pro over here. but i'm glad that the reminders keep coming. those lovely reminders to stop and say yes.

last week one of the kids was sad and was sitting in my lap. genuinely sad. and just wanting to sit in my lap for a few. and i found myself thinking of all the things i needed to get done. the emails, the dishes, the planning, etc. i'm so thankful that i remembered a post by a friend. and how she just sat. and so i did the same. 

hope your january is off to a good start. full of warm things-- all the warm things. 

Boxing Day… Week

did you have a nice Christmas?

we did. it was lovely. we drove to michigan. after all the gifts were wrapped and cookies were made.

there was lots of beautiful space. and the moments found their way into the days. those really nice ones. you know the kind. 

sisters!!

in the midst of all of those children and adults, there was some quiet. oh, isn't quiet so wonderful?

we had snow. fires and hot cider. and more snow. my kids were so excited. and i was so excited. the air was so still. it was that perfect kind of snow where you can catch flakes on your mittens and perfectly see the dimensions and beauty of each flake. 

all in all a lovely time. and now it is time to pack it all up. i know today isn't actually Boxing Day, but it's close. let's call it Boxing Week. this in between week is such a nice one. everyone slows. things get done- packed, organized (sometimes). i'm hoping for some couch cuddling. some book reading. some bread baking. a lot of slowing. oh and there will definitely be some baby kissing. 

hoping you and yours get to slow a bit too. hoping we all can enjoy these lovely littles that surround and crowd a bit. here's to living room dances and reading books in bed. happy holiday week, friends. 

clouds

it has been very. very. very cloudy and rainy over here these past days. what feels like lots of days.

as i spoke to my sister this morning, she reminded me that the quality of the weather really does effect these hearts of ours. she encouraged me to remember.

and as i swallowed my vitamin d, started to unload the dishwasher and realized that i need some serious Spirit help today, i found myself in a moment of gratitude.

so glad that i have a God Who's help is available me. a Savior Who is here. in my kitchen.

Who i can ask for help, even in the seeking. "would you help me think of You? help me ask for more help?"

the Mighty and Majestic-- Holy and Awesome-- allows this question.

it baffles the mind.

i'm so grateful.

Emmanuel.

God with us.