those little hearts

he was throwing a fit. just an all out fit. and i don't even remember what it was about. it started simply- small defiance. but my little samuel wouldn't budge. so he was in a room by himself, yelling and crying. and after more discipline and conversation, he finally calmed.

he looked me in the eyes and told me what i'd asked him to tell me. he did the action i had requested. but his heart was far from me. he was staring me down and doing what i'd asked. but his heart was still on his island of defiance, self-righteousness and anger.

and there was nothing i could do. i stood there completely powerless. and i let him walk down the hall and go back to playing.

i couldn't change his heart. my eyes filled with pain.

i so badly want him to see the truth in his actions. get a whiff of his own stink. and i led him there. right in front. but he refused to see. i know i can be the same. My gentle Savior leads me to a place of seeing myself- of really seeing what's going on in my heart. but i stand defiant. won't budge. refusing to accept, see, change, move forward from that place fresh and new.

being a parent can make me feel so powerless. these little ones are not mine, after all.

can't wait to greet february tomorrow. it sounds warmer and kinder than january.

getting a computer again in a week, i think. taking pictures every day and sewing when i can. working on some spring table runners i'm in love with. i'll share as soon as i can.

break

our computer is gone. being repaired.

life without a computer...

i keep finding myself moving to sit at my desk, then realize there is no computer and then wonder why i felt the need to sit there in the first place. thinking this break may be eye-opening in that lovely kind of time-management way.

just returned from a visit with my sister. it is always so rejuvinating. and then i get angry. why don't i get to live by her? how is this God's best plan for me? my nephews are growing all the time, learning new things and becoming little men. and i don't get to be there.

but we got to sit by the fire on a mondy afternoon, drink coffee and watch big flakes fall. we talked through so many of our lives connundrums, with jason joining us from time to time. a gift of a visit.

will try to touch base back here soon, but my computer access is spotty. hope you all are enjoying these last January days. i'm having a hard time not wishing them all away. february sounds so much better.

oh that hard-to-find gratitude...

yesterday's boredome fix

oh i was losing it. couldn't take the noise, the marker caps, the crumbs sticking to my feet.

so i pulled this pile out of a drawer:

we sat. i cut.

and the kids got some stuff to look at above their beds.

the pictures are not great. my apologies. like i said: not the best day.

it was an afternoon that required... something. so i cut paper into pieces, folded, threaded fishing line, and decorated.

it helped. it really did.

altars

i don't know much about cairns and have never built an altar. but i'm feeling the need to mark this time. to raise up a structure that declares, "i am changed. because of something He has done, i am different. and i never want to forget."

we went on a retreat-ish weekend with people from church. and God is so faithful, friends. He is mysterious in the ways He draws the lines of our lives. they intersect at the exact right moment. and He is always there. blessing and changing. and He refreshed my heart through worship and community. He spoke into my life through the people around me. and i was reminded anew what an awesome God i serve. and it makes all the difference.

in the midst of this season of misting-anxiety, i've been trying to see, through the fog, a clear picture of who i am. what is true about me and what am i pretending is true? haven't landed with any clarity.

i have a cracked conch shell on my window sill with a card stuck into one of the fissures. it reads, "it is the Spirit who gives life. The flesh profits nothing." i put it there last January. starting my year off with a small prayer, asking for greater dependence. and while i know this area is not checked off my list of understanding, i've loved meditating on what it means to keep my back to the wind of the Spirit and ask HIM to propel my days. i hope to prove in the comings years that it has grown roots in my soul.

well i'm ready to replace the card. i can't always find my feet. my true-self is blurry. so i'm starting with a small phrase, carrying huge weight and significance. a theme for the year, i suppose.

"Rejoice in hope." (Romans 12:12)

i want this in my bones. His gift, my hope. who does He make me? and then my response is...?

oh. looking forward, friends.

snowed in.

we've been snowed in. alongwith much of this lovely Southeast.

and we took full advantage.

i fell into the snow, arms and legs splayed out for my upcoming angel, and remembered just how cozy snow is. supporting every inch of your body, when you fall properly. staring up at the creamy-gray sky i felt like a girl again.

but it was cold and the kids didn't last long out here. apparently our Minnesota blood did not transfer well to these little ones. so we've enjoyed a lot of the indoor-cozy as well.

decided to start a blanket for my sister. i have so many beautiful scraps of yarn. i cast on about 120 stitches onto size 11 needles. doing a basket pattern, 2 strands at a time. i'm hoping it comes out looking like a cohesive whole and not a bunch of scraps knotted together.

it has felt good, these past snowy days, to put my hand to something so warm.

but, of course, i've also been thinking already about spring. i know. we've been so sick around here and i keep (irrationally) putting my hope in spring. we can't possibly be sick then. in the spring, things will be better.

and my thoughts have finally turned to some creativity. it's been a bit dry in that part of my insides lately. i was refreshed today by the steam of my iron and spring-flowered fabrics.

a table runner, i think. hoping it will bring premature spring to someone's table.

God has been so patient with me, friends. during this strange season of illness, doubt, hope and learning. i can't quite find my thoughts tonight as i struggle to type and keep my eyes open. but i feel the sun rising on my days. slowly, but steadily rising. He has mercies to shower upon me each morning. He sings songs over me. and His love can be seen in each corner of my life.

hope your days are filled with those quiet awakenings. they've been sneaking up on me. He has surrounded me with His good things. may my eyes stay open.

it's snowing

like really snowing.

a white world can be so hopeful. clean and cold. empty and waiting for growth.

things are starting to feel a little similar around the insides here. waiting for the sun, for growth and color. with a touch of pristine hope.

been slowly awakening to more craft at my new table. more to come soon. hope your days are cozy ones. filled with possibility.

a montage of what is good.

a new year. fresh starts. and as i stood tonight, weeping in worship near other wounded, dependent people, i thought of the beauty He has put into my life. i came home and looked back on this young blog-space of mine and it solidified. a testament to the good.

i'm so good at seeing the bad. i focus my heart on the things that are frightening, untrustworthy and evil. when He asks me to the opposite.

and just the discipline of DOING it tonight. of sitting and looking at the good, the trustworthy, the upright and lovely, brings my heart around. to sunlight.

a year filled with so much good. so much scary. and beautiful change that i couldn't have seen starting out. i love reflection and the clarity it brings to the days that felt muddled and messy. when i look at it all together i see: He has grown beauty. and given so many good gifts. so many moments. beauty and gifts.

right now i'm so grateful for this space. that it holds so much of my thoughts and memories. that it forces me to process all the goo inside. i'm a mess, folks. a huge mess. but He's growing beauty. oh i have such hope for this fresh month, these coming seasons. He won't stop anything good in me that He has started. and i'm so glad. and i want more. i want to understand myself- who i really am- in the shroud of His grace and acceptance. Who does He make me? how does He change me? how does the reality of His Spirit within alter everything i see, touch, and think?

so here's to the new year, friends. here's to more.