those little hearts

he was throwing a fit. just an all out fit. and i don't even remember what it was about. it started simply- small defiance. but my little samuel wouldn't budge. so he was in a room by himself, yelling and crying. and after more discipline and conversation, he finally calmed.

he looked me in the eyes and told me what i'd asked him to tell me. he did the action i had requested. but his heart was far from me. he was staring me down and doing what i'd asked. but his heart was still on his island of defiance, self-righteousness and anger.

and there was nothing i could do. i stood there completely powerless. and i let him walk down the hall and go back to playing.

i couldn't change his heart. my eyes filled with pain.

i so badly want him to see the truth in his actions. get a whiff of his own stink. and i led him there. right in front. but he refused to see. i know i can be the same. My gentle Savior leads me to a place of seeing myself- of really seeing what's going on in my heart. but i stand defiant. won't budge. refusing to accept, see, change, move forward from that place fresh and new.

being a parent can make me feel so powerless. these little ones are not mine, after all.

can't wait to greet february tomorrow. it sounds warmer and kinder than january.

getting a computer again in a week, i think. taking pictures every day and sewing when i can. working on some spring table runners i'm in love with. i'll share as soon as i can.