stress

stress is a funny thing. sometimes. 

in the middle of work and worry rests my oh-so-familiar friend stress. 

and i'm not the best at managing the presence of this friend. 

my answers to kid-questions get shorter. my head gets fuzzier. and old fears rise up and haunt. 

today i did my best to stand firm. to stand on the white(ish) tile in my kitchen and remember the truth. 

in the middle of work- beautiful work- i remembered aloud: 

"i have trusted in the steadfast love of Jesus; 

my heart will rejoice in the salvation He has given. 

i will sing to the Lord, 

because He has dealt bountifully 

with me."

                  - taken from psalm 13:5-6

and it's true. my blessings are bountiful. His hand is present and evident. there is nothing to fear. 

nothing to fear. 

His work

i occasionally get to help lead worship at our church. i love doing it. i love singing with the body of Christ- worshiping all together. hearing the united voice lifted to our Savior in adoration and praise is beyond exhilarating.

but He usually does so much more in me on these mornings. because i'm 'leading' in worship i feel oh-so-responsible to be really worshiping. and when i am focusing on each word i'm uttering- really dwelling on the praise and truth leaving my mouth- i can't usually stay the same.

and this was true this past sunday. i started the day living once again on the shaky ground of fear and anxiety. and as i sang, "I will bless the Lord forever. I will trust Him at all times. He has delivered me from all fear. He has set my feet upon a rock." i felt like i needed to stop singing. this was so far from the truth of my past 2 1/2 days.

but the day continued. i sang that song 3 times. and He patiently reminded me that He is indeed my strength. my portion. deliverer. my shelter. strong tower. my very present help in time of need.

so thankful that He faithfully returns me to the truth- in the midst of my unfaithfulness. He's really kind.

hope you have made your peace with saying goodbye to the long summer days and, sorry this is a few days belated, but:

and we're back

back from visiting family. parents and sister in the great state of texas.

and it was awesome.

it is so good to be with those who've always known you. such a comfort when you're together. i miss them. and as i have spent more years than i'd like away from family, i'm getting more and more cranky about it. i now look at these visits as not-enough. i want my kids to have casual, easy, constant relationships with their mim, poppi, aunts, uncles and cousins. these short weekends end with sorrow and what feels like tearing hearts.

but i'm so grateful for the gift of family who all love Jesus, for family i long to be with, and for kids who barely complained as we drove them across the country. He gives good gifts. He is good and He is wise. i will remember.

we spent a fabulous morning at the Dallas Arboretum. the tulips and azaleas were out and many more flowers i can't name. it was beautiful.

and then we did a lot of hanging, being and relaxing. it was oh-so-nice.

oh yes. we took a picture at target. dad's suggestion. i thought it was weird. but is now the picture i keep looking at. thanks dad. you were right again.

i finished erica's blanket and got to hand it off to her.

and as i did i thought about the dark winter we had. and how i needed to put my hand to something to keep the rest of me still. i'm thankful that our good Father guides us so gently through these lessons He puts before us. i'm still figuring out anxiety, fear, and how to handle it all jumbled in my heart. but i can look back across these months and see His work.

it felt good to hand off a completed blanket. a project that accompanied many fear-filled nights and was a comfort to me. maybe there's a bit of cheese in that last sentence, but i don't care. you know how much i love to craft, and the methodical movement of hands and fingers can quiet my soul. it just does. and it was satisfying to see a finished blanket- off to warm a loved one.

so glad to be home. glad to have family i love. and so very glad it is spring.

the fear drizzle

fear. anxiety.

drizzling down into my heart. all day, before i open my eyes. as my mind turns from dream to consciousness, the mist begins. and remains as i walk the rooms, change the diapers, run the errands. a constant small (sometimes not so small) fear. and it captures me. captures my moments- steals my joy and runs off with any confidence i had in the Truth. i can't find my feet and can't get my head to any rational place.

i know most people struggle with anxiety and worry from time to time. but this past month and a half it has consumed more of my days than not. we each have our fear-temptations. and after the early death of a friend and my brief experience of being whisked into a hospital for things i didn't understand during pregnancy-- my current fear surrounds my health. the fragile nature of my body and all the looming tragedies that lie in wait.

BUT

my Lord Jesus has been merciful and kind to me. He has been teaching me and molding me through a menial, lingering stomach bug. telling me He's present. He is the only answer. I have to follow Him. He's the only hope i have. He's all i've got.

fear. and christmas trees.

we've slowly continued to wake up around our house. me most of all. i've been quite the whiner/worrier these days, but I'm starting to find my grateful feet again. my hopeful feet.



i can get so afraid. of things i can't see clearly. i am overcome with irrational fear and panic. and that is not from our God. i've had to speak truth out loud to myself this week. had to rally my soul from depths of dark murk to see the Light before me. i can get so turned around, my friends. things get bent and twisted and i can't find the truth. declaring aloud that Jesus Christ is my hope dispels the dark. It has been my point of turning this week. His name is mighty. It brings truth, clarity and comfort.

so i've put my hand to some normal things this weekend. revelled in the smiles and laughter surrounding me.



i am so blessed. He gives good gifts.





we decorated our tree. oh these little hands. they had such fun. and the results are always fabulous.





blessings on your week's beginnings. i know we each are tempted to our own flavor of doubt and fear. may each of us run to the great Hope that our kind Father sent to earth so long ago.

so much to be thankful for.

fear and stillness

Have been thinking of several friends who, along with me, are dealing with some situation in their lives and/or hearts that feels out of control- and it scares us. the fear... the fears that permeate and awaken with us in the morning. and each of our stories are different, but most are full of emotion. those emotions you can't quite find, but you see the evidence everywhere. we are brimming with emotion. and the source of the spring can't always be seen.

and so we commiserate, support, and we pray. and pray some more. pray for the casting out of fear, the quieting of our spirits...

and that's where i have to stop. because my spirit is so seldom quiet. As Psalm 131 states-- i am not nearly smart enough to handle all of the things i try to tackle. i can't see into my child's heart (i can't see into my own heart), i can't know the future or understand the actions of others. i can't always see His hand working in my life and i can so easily despair. and i fear my lack of understanding. i fear so many things.

but if i would sit. be still. be quiet. sit in His huge comforting lap. and hope in Him. oh the picture is so altered. peace arrives.