sleepless

been up since about four and can't tell you why. one of my children must have woken me a bit and now i'm up. can't go back to sleep. have been just staring at the blur of the fan on the ceiling and thinking too much.

Lacey recently posted about how dangerous time with yourself can be. i am no exception. my brain becomes some kind of horrible black hole when i am left to myself. my thoughts cave in on themselves and my inward focus becomes so intense that i lose all footing and start to fall.

and nights like this, where there is only darkness to talk to, that pull is strong.

when i was pregnant the last time and couldn't sleep, i would go through the alphabet and pray for my friends- their names corresponding to the letters. and it was a cheesy attempt at pulling my eyes off of myself, my todays and tomorrows. directing my gaze toward Him and those He has surrounded me with. making me feel less alone and allowing me interaction with them and Him through His crazy-cool prayer system.

and i guess that's why i threw back the covers, turned on the computer and started writing tonight:

community.

He does such crazy things through it. it's amazing. i'm thankful for this space, for the readers out there. even just one.

okay- i'm going back to bed. starting with 'a.'